Ugly is Forever

Posted on Feb 23, 2019 in Antique | Comments Off on Ugly is Forever

Beauty is fleeting, Ugly is forever – Anonymous

Once again, the team at Chris On Cars has gathered a group of regular car buyers and gave them the task of creating a list of the ugliest cars ever sold in the US. Our experts included people from all social groups, starting with a local used car salesman, an elderly nursing home patient named Ruth, a teen mall rat named (of course) Brittany, and two homeless men that were standing outside a local Methadone clinic. Here is the list they compiled:

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Pontiac Aztek – Leave it to the meth heads to remember the car from “Breaking Bad.” This was an easy mark, since everyone on earth agrees it is probably the ugliest car ever made. In fact, it is so ugly that Time magazine named it the 34th worst invention of all time. The plastic side panels make it look like its being shipped somewhere sad.

Nissan Juke – Brittany actually liked this car because it reminded her of Pumba in the Lion King. Obviously designed by someone not blessed with the gift of sight, it is schizophrenic and charming at the same time. It makes me want to smile while vomiting.

Mitsubishi Eclipse – To describe the rear end, our group was reminded of a hugely obese woman, hearses, and hugely obese women in hearses. The grille gives it the surprised look of a blow up doll.

Nash Airflyte – Ruth remembered this car from her youth, and told an unsettling story about how she discovered the seats could be converted to a bed. It also reminded her of a bathtub, but that could be because she was always naked in it. I think it looks like an overinflated parade float, and will never understand why they covered all the wheels, and not the entire car.

61 Plymouth Valiant – The ugliest of all road toads. Every 1960’s styling cue ever created by Detroit is here, fighting to the death on this one car. Overly styled is too polite, this car is an automotive turd, complete with a toilet seat trunk ornament.

56 Nash Ambassador Super – Ambassador is one of the longest lived automobile nameplates in history, and one of the most depressing. These heroically over colored tri-paint monstrosities looked like they were designed in Cold War Moscow, not Wisconsin.

74 AMC Matador Coupe – Car & Driver named this the “Best Styled Car of 1974,” which makes me rate them lower than “Motorweek” on my scale of tasteless crap to avoid. From the strange back slope to the Mr. Magoo eyes, every part of this car looked wrong. Michael Jackson was right to beat the crap out of it in “Black & White.”

96 Mercury Sable – With the looks of a dying flounder, this is the “toned-down” version of the Ford Taurus. Fatter than a week old drowning victim, these cars are mind numbingly ugly. This was a favorite of our used car salesman, who thought it was futuristic and mind numbingly quick…we threw him out after that.

2000 Hyundai Tiburon – Designers figured out they could make it look like a cheap 90’s Celica, or a puzzled over-fed cartoon spider. They chose the latter. The high styling lines ruin the concept of a sporty car, the cheap plastic reeks of poverty, and the overall look is of despair. Auto critics label it as “ugly as balls.”

75 AMC Pacer – South Park’s Eric Cartman in car form. Every square inch is more bizarre than the square inch next to it, and none of them are square. It looks like something lettuce would be sold in. When introduced, it was the darling of the automotive press, but is now scorned as one of the ugliest cars ever made. I think this “mirthmobile” is one of my favorite Teague designs.

Chrysler Crossfire – Jeremy Clarkson was right when he said it looks like a dog taking a crap. Chrysler could have designed a modern version of the Bugatti Type 57 Atlantic or a pretty Morgan Aeromax, instead they built this plastic turd. The cries of people stupid enough to buy one can still be heard.

AMC Gremlin – Designed on an air sickness bag, and introduced to the public on April Fool’s day, this car is another obvious choice. Naming the car after an imaginary creature that causes mechanical failures was at least “truth in advertising.” I have seen uglier things than this, but usually have to pay for the privilege.

99 Pontiac Firebird – This version of the muscle car icon actually performed better than it looked, but the styling is what killed it. The body was cartoonish, and the plastic nose gave it a sense of cheapness matched only by a recycle bin. It is the only car that seemed both aerodynamic and fat at the same time and reminded our experts of a suppository.

98 Nissan Cube – It looks like a bathroom in a modern city park. The car is asymmetrical, with different windows borrowed from a cruise ship on each side. Freaky is the word that best describes this car, and it can only be explained by an overdose of Ambien.

79 Buick Century – This is when styling disappeared from the automotive world. This is not bad styling, this is no styling. One of the ugliest, cheapest, most depressing excuses for an automobile ever created. Every time I see this car I hit someone across the face.

82 Ford EXP – Ford’s ugly little secret was described at the time as having received “a sound beating with an ugly stick” and “unbelievably awkward.” Every aspect of this atrocity is wrong from the noisy and underpowered engine to the fuzzy cheap interior. I have seen riding mowers more comfortable and better styled than this car. It makes me cry.

85 Toyota Van – So ugly they didn’t bother to name it. Available in any color as long as it is ugly. This is a mobile shoebox devoid of style, comfort or any measurable quality. Driving one gave you the constant feeling that it would tip over, even under acceleration.

75 Ford Mustang – The ugliest of all the pretty horses, this car is more of a disappointment than just a bad design. It actually sold almost as many as the beautiful 65 Mustang, was a common as Herpes and as pretty as Gonorrhea.