Here Are the ‘Winners’ of the ‘TEXAS EDITION’ Badges


Last week I offered you, the man or woman in the street, a chance to own a “TEXAS EDITION” badge at my expense. I asked you to tell me what you’d do with such a badge. After an exhaustive selection process consisting of me having a couple shots of Ketel One Citroen and picking shit at random, I’ve come up with the “winners.” I’ll be contacting each one of you via email in the next week. If the email address associated with your username is no longer valid, now would be a good time to update it or to contact us via the various links to the right of this page.

I’d like to thank all of you who came up with ideas. Unfortunately for you, some of those ideas sucked and frankly I’m insulted that you’d even think that I’d give you a $2.87 badge for something as stupid as that. You must think I’m rich enough not to care just because I own four PRS Private Stock guitars and a bunch of motorcycles and rare books and stuff, when in fact those are the very reasons that I am not rich enough to not care.

Enough about the losers. As they say, winners aren’t losers. So let’s get to the winners.

In order of their responses to the original post, our winners are …

… cue “We Are The Champions” …

vtnoah, for his C-Max plug-in. It’s time your candy-ass battery-powered vibrator of a mini-minivan got some Texas swagger.

FuzzyPlushroom, for his Amherst College 240 wagon. Actually, all you Volvo guys deserve one. If I can get a few more, I’ll reach out to the rest of you.

cwallace for his Bajaj motorcycle. Nothing says “TEXAS” like an adult on a motorcycle with the same power as my six-year-old son’s TTR-90 dirt bike.

Wardotron for his RenaultSport Clio 200. Texans never surrender, which is a lesson the French would do well to learn before they wind up handing their country to the Syrians and Algerians the way they surrendered it to my relative, General Nehring, in 1941.

Speaking of Germany, leshnah says he’ll stick it on a Firebird that’s currently prowling around the former DDR. Sir, you have your mission.

Big Al from Oz says he’ll put one on his Thai-built pickup. I’m sending it to him because, face it, you all want some evidence that he’s a real person and not a troll persona developed by a very bored Millennial.

jansob is going to put it on his Subaru R2. Obviously.

Feds gets one for his Delica. Not two. Just one. This isn’t Canada, where every mook with a lifted Mitsubishi minivan gets two of everything because Justin Trudeau is too busy having his nails done to learn Economics 101. Well, strictly speaking, TTAC is owned by a Canadian corporation and edited by a Canadian. But I’m not Canadian. I’m a two-fisted, red-blooded American from Germany, from whence all real Americans come. So just one, Feds.

[Also, this editor lived in Texas, so there’s that. —Mark]

Stugots says he’ll put it on his genital area. I’m sending him one in the name of fairness so I can’t be accused of sexism. He’s my diversity hire.

dominican gets one for his NC700X, providing he puts it on his girlfriend’s bare bottom first and sends me the photo for my own archives.

Josh_Howard has a 450ZX that is just begging for something like this.

FordMan_48126 is going to TEXAS-size his wife’s Q5. He didn’t have to say that the Q5 belonged to his wife. Has any man ever bought a Q5?

Nick 2012 deserves one for his Insight. I’ll give you some Insight: a “hybrid” that only stops the engine at stoplights sucks.

madman2k is our first Prius victim.

Nostrathomas will have the first TEXAS edition Porsche 964. Everything’s bigger in Texas, except the head gaskets on an early 964!

LeBaronTurbo, for obvious reasons.

Jeff Weimer, if he really has a Figaro. Or if he’s willing to vandalize someone else’s Figaro.

majo8, because the Chrysler Imperial is the finest luxury coupe in history.

cretinx hopes the “TEXAS EDITION” badge will gain favor with the next redneck to tow his Esprit Twin Turbo.

And the very last of the twenty badges I bought will go to masterofnone, who promises a Mexican company car and a bare-chested wife.

Honestly, I wish I’d bought forty badges instead of twenty, because there were more good ideas than I had badges, by far. In a perfect world, I’d have a badge for every one of our valued readers. But in a perfect world, I’d still be in the dope game, earning mid-six figures, sleeping till noon every day, and ordering a new bright-green S5 every twelve months, instead of shucking-and-jiving on a car website for a bunch of people who would be reading the Reddit scat-fetish page right now instead if their job at the putty division just north of Odessa didn’t block all that stuff at the firewall.


  1. Darrel Ruiz

    My suggestion, which I did not submit, would be to plaster one of these labels on an electric fatty cart at the local Walmart.
    My dentist recently added an extra wide (almost double sized!) chair in the waiting area for those patients who can’t lay off the corn syrup in the Big Gulps, and don’t fit in a normal chair. A chrome “Texas Edition” badge on the back of that chair would be a subtle hint to stop at two when visiting Cinnabon.

    • Beth Santos

      If only someone had offered to stick one to a menu board at a Cinnabon. Or beside some monster supersized option on a drive through menu board at JB’s favorite Wendy’s.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *